Literary Discussions

A young single mother writes of her loneliness and despair. She feels

discouraged in her attempts to find a partner.

Here is my reply:

I wish I had some magic words to cheer you up. All that I have to

offer are words of advice. Please forgive a total stranger for being

so bold as to make some observations. I sense you are desperate, and

I am concerned that you may be very vulnerable to someone who might

use you. Love, loyalty and devotion are not things we can purchase in

exchange for giving something to another. If you do anything with or

for someone with the expectation of something in exchange, then you

are leaving yourself wide open for bitter disappointment anger and

resentment if that person does not repay you as you desire.

In the late 1980s, I read a book for women on self-esteem. I thought

it was by Gloria Steinem, but I cannot find it in google. The opening

chapter was about a woman whom the author called Nina. Nina when

through relationship after relationship being used and then discarded.

Nina went to counseling and decided to take a vacation from

relationships for two years and work on developing her self esteem by

taking various courses at night school. In one of those classes she

became friends with a man who was totally unlike anyone she would have

ever considered dating. She was always attracted to the same type of

macho, powerful, controlling male. This new friend was sensitive,

sentimental, and compassionate. Their friendship gradually grew into

a relationship and lead to marriage. The moral of the story is that

"it is easier to make a friend into a lover than it is to make a lover

into a friend." Nina finally realized that she was in a pattern of

seeking the same type of powerful male, hoping that by joining with

him, she would somehow receive that power.

If you take a night course and join and attend some local church, then

you shall meet a totally different class of people than you would meet

in a tavern. Perhaps you can find counseling with some pastor or

social worker. If you volunteer some community work, you may meet

quality people.

Be patient. You are still very young. Do not act out of desperation.

Remember that many males are very predatory and opportunistic, and

will sense your vulnerability and try to exploit you.

I once found a saying, attributed to CODA (Co-Dependants Anonymous):

"Look in the mirror and you shall see the problem and the solution."

Rather than hope for some knight in shining armor to come and take you

away from your unhappiness, you would be wiser to consider how you can

make a life for yourself and your children on your own. If you can

address whatever issues there are which keep you from such emotional

and financial independence, then you will find that love may happen

when you least expect it. Suppose you do not find true love until age

30 or 35. That may sound like a long time, but it will be worth the

wait, and far preferable to the unhappiness and suffering of a toxic

relationship entered into in haste out of desperation.

I hope I have not offended you by offering you these words of advice.

With you permission, I would like to post this advice at my blog,

keeping you anonymous of course by concealing your identity. Perhaps

others will read my post and offer other valuable advice, which I can

forward to you.

Best regards,

Sitaram